have you ever hurt so badly you’d do anything to make it stop? i was in that position recently. nothing hurts so much as betrayal. at first, i couldn’t even get out of bed. my body hurt physically. i was constantly nauseated and prone to sudden, intense bouts of weeping. that went on for a few weeks, and i didn’t seem to be moving forward--couldn’t see any signs of healing. i was done with it. no more. so i did what i always do: i ran away. i buried myself in “doings.” i talked on the phone; i cleaned my house; i started every home project i have been putting off forever; i checked facebook an unreasonable number of times daily; i researched, made countless phone calls, and sent numerous emails about going back to school for my master’s...and on and on. i couldn’t stand the silence, the stillness. if there wasn’t something to occupy me, to keep me distracted, i was acutely aware of the searing pain.

in the darkness in the night, i would lay in bed overcome by the weight of the pain. often, i would burry my face in my wet pillow and cry out to god. i couldn’t even find words to say. i just wanted the pain to go away. please, please take it away. but it didn’t go. so every morning i would get up determined not to let myself feel it again. no more hurt! my attempts were unsuccessful. each time i had to see the persons, it was if the wound were fresh. all of the activity was like a tiny little bandage on a much too large cut. i pretended it was helping, but as i was reminded of them, the bandage was pulled away to reveal a huge infected gash.

it has been a little while now, and i am a bit better. but still, in the quiet, my heart is ripped and bleeding.